Hold your horses!
Don’t blame the Republicans for the government shutdown.
Don’t blame President Obama or John Kerry, and certainly not Miley Cyrus.
The truth is, world politics are a tough scene and it’s very likely that these movers and shakers are suffering from work burnout. War, peace, terrorism, whistle-blowing…sometimes all a man needs is a good smoke, a good drink, and a good…well, a good night’s sleep. It’s relaxing…it decreases stress, minimizes hostility, and who knows, maybe it can even prevent wars from starting.
Hey, we know that Sergey V. Lavrov knows what we’re talking about, he being the “hard charging” foreign minister of Russia that the New York Times described as a “veteran diplomat fond of cigars and whiskey.” He’s the type of guy that trolled Kofi Annan, who wanted to ban smoking inside the United Nations, essentially telling the guy, “Hey, you don’t own this building. If I want to smoke, I’m going to smoke…b*tch!”
Well, he didn’t say that exactly. But the point was made.
Why should people give up their smoking habits if they don’t want to, if they enjoy the experience?
The critics are quick to say, because it affects other people. Well, we have perfected the craft of the e-cigar, the cigar that looks, tastes and feels like the real thing but that eliminates everything people hate about real stogies. The odor, the second hand smoke, the yellowing, all that nasty stuff is removed when you “virtually smoke”.
So we had the great idea of offering free electronic cigars to Sergey V. Lavrov or Mr. Nyet as everyone calls him.
Obama too…his wife may have banned him from smoking cigarettes but he can’t go wrong with the alternative of e-cigarettes. And for once, he doesn’t even have to run around behind her back.
How about Putin? He’s a hard ass for sure, having just passed a no-smoking ban in Russia’s public places, but we’re convinced he would see the peace-promoting value in e-cigarettes.
Kim Jong-un, well that’s a tough cookie to crack but much like his best bud Dennis Rodman, we’re fairly sure that Jong-un is a hard poker player. His personal chef, Kenji Fujimoto, revealed not too long ago that Kim Jong-un enjoys Johnnie Walker whiskey, loves driving his Mercedes Benz car, never admits defeat (well, duh!) and of course, smokes like a badass. Of course, his choice of smoke is Yves Saint Laurent which are…uh…feminine cigarettes. Someone should slip Kim some manly e-cigars and let him fall in love with the better taste.
The United Nations never got back to us regarding our plan to save the world, so it’s about time we turn our attention to the U.S. Federal shutdown. As of October 16, 2013 there is still no deal though that could change any day now. The holdup is that members of Congress have to reach a deal to raise the debt limit or end the shutdown.
Press secretary Jay Carney stated, “We’re obviously in a better place than we were a few days ago in terms of the constructive approach we’ve seen.” President Obama met with both Senate and House Republicans, but seemed unconvinced at their no-strings-attached bill that would raise the debt limit for another six weeks. Obama is standing firm, claiming that all of the GOP’s concerns will be addressed after the shutdown issues are resolved. In the meantime, they continue to submit modified deals for debt limit hikes.
Our investigative reporter, sworn to anonymity because he doesn’t want to end up like Edward Snowden, managed to sneak in a vaporizer cleverly disguised as a cigar in hopes of moving along the negotiations so our poor mailmen and mailwomen can resume their deliveries.
Our offices received a suspicious text by our reporter who apparently overheard Jay Carney saying:
“The president’s position is that we, the United States, should not, and the American people cannot opt for old expensive cigars when these new, smokeless vapor cigars are so accessible.”
The Republicans are adamant about keeping the old cigars, saying they all desire to look like Strom Thurmond while they’re still in their fifties.
Apparently it’s a big macho Republican thing.
Carney concluded, suggesting that the standoff will have to end shortly since
“Our economy can’t endure this kind of approach to resolving our budget differences not with Turkey Day right around the corner…God I need a smoke. Got any more e-cigars?”
Yes we do, sir. For the love of our country, and in the hopes that a few good smokes shared among friends and enemies can help improve the economy, we say, Yes we do.